The Screwtape Letters of Winter Park, Florida

“The best way to drive out the devil, if he will not yield to texts of Scripture, is to jeer and flout him, for he cannot bear scorn.” — Martin Luther

“The devill … the prowde spirite … cannot endure to be mocked.” — Thomas More

I have no intention of explaining exactly how the letters I now offer to the public first came into my hands. I realize from the outset that many will ask me to furnish proof. All characters and events in this story are based on real persons — living, dead and immortal. No great lengths have been taken to hide the identities of the characters in order to protect the innocent. Although the details are fictional, the events described here are true. I will corroborate these later.

What follows are three intercepted emails from the camp of hell.

– Jay Rogers

My dearest Nephew Wormwood,

Among the most effective Christian-led counter-attacks on Abaddon’s child-killing phalanx is the one in central Florida. R.C. Sproul Jr., (and increasingly his home church, one of the most respected Reformed congregations in America) and several other independent pro-life ministries are among the many leaders helping conscript and guide an army cobbled together across denominations and ministry styles – from fire-breathing street preachers to traditional pietists committed to just praying the devils away – and everything in between. They have been effective in saving babies, convincing abortionists to quit the business and at times even running them into jail.

Well, they stepped into some of our dark stuff last week as a result of one of their occasional awareness campaigns. They picketed the neighborhood that is home to one of our best agents, a Planned Parenthood executive. Letters were written, chains were pulled, lawyers assembled and an emergency resolution was passed by the City of Winter Park creating a buffer zone around our most prized butcher’s home. The City Commission that passed the ordinance was easily corrupted by a special agent, a young demon in training named Stigma, who is a spirit of murder we dispatched immediately to the scene. We succeeded and the vote was unanimous with the exception of one: the city’s mayor who nevertheless despised the pro-lifers, characterized them as potentially dangerous nut-jobs, but was concerned about the constitutionality of said resolution.

Our Temple of Satan, which is home to our butcher and one of our most loyal City Commissioners, called on members to support their fellow parishioner. Their pastor was asked to pray at a City Commission Meeting where she proceeded to ask hell’s aide in protecting the clinic and confounding the dangerous pro-lifers.

But now our Enemy’s legions have made plans to preach the Gospel at the Gates of our Temple of Satan, which we have cleverly disguised as a “church.” I suggest that you get on this immediately and make sure that you deceive the church members to the point where they are not susceptible to the enemy’s “awareness campaign.”

– Your most affectionate Uncle Screwtape

P.S. If you see this man, do not attempt to reason with him. He is dangerous and definitely armed with the Sword of the Spirit, the so-called “Word of God.”

My most excellent Uncle Screwtape,

Here is the email that I just sent out to our “church” members.

Friday, September 21, 2012

First Infernal Temple of Hellish Park
666 Lake of Fire Way
Hellish Park, FL 32789

We want to make you aware of a potential Christian Revival this Sunday morning near the premises of our Satanic Temple. It has come to our attention that a pro-life group plans to gather to protest two particular issues. First, they want to promote the sanctity of life and expose one of our prized reprobates, Jenna Tosh, who makes her living by cutting the heads, arms and legs off of babies. We know Jenna and support her in her damnation as a hell-bound child of the devil. Second, this group may shed light on the fact that we deceive those trapped in a lifestyle of sexual perversion and celebrate them as examples even as they counsel others to do the same. This is something we support as a Synagogue of Satan and as demonized individuals.

Our church has always stood on the side of death and bondage. We have always striven against God to create a prison cell that supports your emotional rantings, even while leaving the bars of your cages open just wide enough for you to spew venom at those who are intolerant of our sin. Therefore, we do not want any of our larvae or wormlings to be preached to, convicted or redeemed from sin on Sunday. Should you see any of these Christians on the sidewalks with signs, posters and pictures, some of which may be quite truthful, rest assured that we are making appropriate plans to keep our slaves in the darkness of deception.

Over 30 of our pestilent prelates who have been trained as deathscorts will help our only three remaining members, who are the only ones not yet completely deceived, into the bottomless pit. These devils disguised as angels of light will be on hand at every gate of hell. You should seek their assistance in avoiding these children of God who will be attempting to make you read scripture and hear the truth. Our deathscorts will be wearing bright neon yellow vests symbolizing the color of burning sulphur. Parents wishing to drop off their wormlings to be exposed to our perverted false teachers may do so between 9:30 and 10:00. Please leave them by the vortex where we are hopeful that they will be sucked straight into hell. We will make every effort to prevent them from being exposed to the Holy Scriptures that have been used at similar campaigns by these Christians.

We encourage you not to engage with these evangelists. They are considered to be equipped with the Word of God and dangerous. Attached you will find our “Hellbound Training Manual” PDF that contains further lies and blasphemies. We hope you will take a few moments and mindlessly repeat: “I deny the Holy Spirit … I deny the Holy Spirit” until you get that tingling feeling creeping up your leg and feel compelled to cry out to our messiah Barack Hussein Obama.

If you have any questions or concerns about your soul after doing so, please contact any one of us and we will attempt to deceive you further.

We hope you will attend our Satanic Mass for the Father of Lies this Sunday, September 23rd, as we curse at God and gnash our teeth, and as we demonstrate our support for child murder and sexual immorality. This will be an opportunity for us to split hell wide open as we deposit yet another deed of iniquity into the vault of wrath reserved for us and our children on the day of judgment.

Praise be to our ever-lying Infernal Father!

I trust that this will do the trick.

– Your obedient Nephew Wormwood

My dearest nephew Wormwood,

How refreshing to hear the truth, free from all the cloying sentimentalities and obfuscations of the earthly realm’s “Satanic language.” These pathetic humans certainly do have a tendency toward cognitive dissonance (a vestige of our Infernal Father’s tinkering in their lives, no doubt.)

– Your most affectionate Uncle Screwtape

Editor’s Note: The above was translated by Wormwood from the Satanic language (see below). Fans of Superman comics will recognize that the language of hell, in all its forms – Ancient, Middle and Modern Satanic – employs a similar convention as that of the “Bizarro World” in which everything is either upside down, backwards or the opposite of the literal meaning.

In the Bizarro world of “Htrae” (“Earth” spelled backwards), society is ruled by the Bizarro Code which states “Us do opposite of all Earthly things! Us hate beauty! Us love ugliness! Is big crime to make anything perfect on Bizarro World!” In one episode, for example, a salesman is doing a brisk trade selling Bizarro bonds: “Guaranteed to lose money for you.” Later, the mayor appoints Bizarro No. 1 to investigate a crime, “Because you are stupider than the entire Bizarro police force put together.” This is intended to be taken as a great compliment (Bizarro World History).

I feel as though I have been living on Bizarro world for the last few days. Here is the original letter from a member of the First Congregationalist Church of Winter Park, really.

– Jay Rogers

Friday, September 21, 2012

Letter to my church members:

We want to make you aware of a potential demonstration this Sunday morning near the premises of our church building. It has come to our attention that a group plans to gather to protest two particular issues. First, they want to protest the work of one of our members, Jenna Tosh, who is the CEO of Planned Parenthood of Greater Orlando. We know Jenna and support her in her work and as a member of our congregation. Second, this group may protest the fact that we ordain gay and lesbian clergy. This is something we support as an Open and Affirming congregation and as individuals.

Our church has always stood on the side of justice and freedom. We have always strived to create a community that supports thoughtful dialogue. However, we do not want any members to be surprised on Sunday should you see protestors on the sidewalks with signs, posters and pictures, some of which may be quite graphic. We are making appropriate plans to create a welcoming environment. Members who have been trained to escort you into the building will be on hand at every entrance should you wish any assistance. They will be wearing bright neon yellow vests. Parents wishing to drop children off to their teachers may do so between 9:30 and 10:00 at the circle drive where we are hopeful that children will not be exposed to the graphic images that have been used at similar protests by these demonstrators.

We encourage you not to engage with these protesters. Attached you will find a brochure with further background material and tips. We hope you will take a few moments and read it carefully. If you have any questions or concerns after doing so, please contact any one of us.

We hope you will attend worship this Sunday, September 23rd, as we stand united in what we believe and as we demonstrate our support for Jenna Tosh and her family. This will be an opportunity to be the church together as we bear witness to our faith and the Still Speaking God.

On Demons

The reader should note that although the following is based on scripture, not everything told here concerning angels, demons or even human beings can be the full, unvarnished truth. For this was written by a fallible and fallen human being.

– Jay Rogers

As the great theologians of church history have pointed out, there are several errors concerning demons into which we mortals can fall. The first is that demons have great power over the human race. In fact, numerous passages of scripture tell us that the works of the devil have been destroyed, put on display and held up as a spectacle because Christ himself triumphed over death and hell at Calvary (Colossians 2:15).

Prior to the miracle of the cross, demons ruled the nations of planet earth. Many appeared as demi-gods and deceived the vast majority of the human race. G.K. Chesterton has shown in his masterful work, The Everlasting Man, that the history of the human race can be understood as consisting two eras, one of gross darkness covering the face of the earth and the latter age a glorious unveiling of truth, justice and human progress. Though we live in the breaking dawn, more light is yet to come.

The most respected theologians agree that demons, although certainly real, have no power to possess the souls of believers. Some confusion on this still reigns in sects where exorcisms are performed as a matter of routine. The sinful nature of man is often mistaken as a separate entity. The Apostle Paul personifies this natural tendency of believers as “the old man” (Romans 6:6; Ephesians 2:15; 4:22-24; Colossians 3:9-11).

The heart of man is so desperately wicked that we cannot know it (Jeremiah 17:9). This self-deception leads many to lay blame on imaginary spirits. This was the manifestation of the sin of Eve, to shift guilt toward the serpent to say, “The devil tempted me,” when full responsibility rested in her free will. As believers, we are forbidden to say that God has tempted us. When we lay blame on Satan for the world’s ills, we therefore denigrate God’s unsullied goodness and His absolute sovereignty. For the chief agent of evil in the world is not Satan, but man.

The power of hell has less to do with demonic possession as it does with the power of deception. The devil is a liar and the father of lies. He can introduce attractive falsehoods in the most destructive forms by disguising evil as good and good as evil. Satan’s power over the heart of man is the collusion between our depravity and his lies woven as snares. We wittingly participate in our own destruction by entertaining the lies of hell. We are prone to their intoxicating effect and can no more resist them than a starving man locked inside a grocery store can resist eating the food set around him.

Another error to which we are prone has to do with the appearance of devils. We imagine they are wart-covered, hideous reptilian creatures with cloven hooves, forked tails and immense bat wings. Nothing could be further from the truth. These demonic caricatures have their origin in the imaginary qualities of the demi-urgic beings of Greek and Roman mythology. These unscriptural descriptions were then parlayed into Christian art and literature during the Italian Renaissance.

In the beginning, Satan was the Archangel, the first born of God’s creatures. He was cast out of heaven and is consigned to darkness and eternal flames. Yet nowhere has God revealed that Satan suffered ugliness as part of the curse placed on him. Scripture tells us that Satan may appear as an angel of light. And what other forms may he then take? Since man is the apple of God’s eye and the Son appeared to us in human form, this enviable stature of imago Dei is carefully imitated. Some demons may take a pleasing shape of their own choosing and therefore take the most attractive human form imaginable, but seldom without an intentional yet subtle debasement.

The last deception concerning demons — and angels for that matter — is that they must either be exceedingly rare or non-existent merely because we have never seen them. How do we know that? Since we are innately blinded by our own moral failure, we would most likely not recognize such a being even if we stared right into its face. Most likely you have encountered angels who were intensely interested and protective of your welfare. Most likely you’ve also encountered demons who were no less fascinated, but also enraged by the only creatures in the universe made in God’s image whom He loved so much that He sent His only Son to die for us. Most likely you did not recognize them.

An apt analogy of the difference between the material realm and the spiritual realm would be to consider what we can see with the human eye. If we could see past the natural colors that we discern with the unaided eye, we would discover a vaster spectrum. Likewise, there is a spectrum of spiritual reality that is greater than what we can see in the physical world. It is as if there is a one-way mirror that divides the universe. We see only the reflection. On the other side, we are being watched through a glass by the powers of the spiritual realm. Of course, it is believers in Jesus Christ who are being watched most intently. Angels and demons may not always be invisible to us. On the contrary, we might mistake them for even the most casual of strangers (Hebrews 13:2).

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